Saturday, June 20, 2009

Bakwaas Kaam

I finally got a project to work on. I am SO ashamed to be a part of it that I have to, for my own sanity, admit it (semi) publicly.

I have to write a corporate AV for a chillar security agency called (shudder) Zing. If I were looking for an agency to make sure my pet diamonds were safe or that no one got their grubby hands on those nuclear secrets, I would NOT hire one called Zing.
Anyhoo, I have to write a script extolling the many virtues of Zing. Fine - I can do it. Not like I haven't made someones limited assets appear bigger than they actually were.

But then they want me to stick - word for word - to the shitty brochure that they've come up with. I risk copyright infringement by quoting the magnificent tome here but I cannot help myself. Here's a gem: 'Peer monitoring', 'mutual assessment' and 'whistle blowers' concept will be encouraged and rewarded. The practice is prevalent as observed by us in other countries, e.g: US, UK, Germany and Italy. This will eliminate thefts, pilferages (hahahahaha) and other forms of loss, (wait for it) with or without internal collusions.
Disclaimer: the comments in brackets belong to me.

As if that weren't enough, the final twist of the knife in my gut is the 'visual treatment' demanded by the client (which is called Zing, lest we forget). It is their express wish that we use snippets of action films like Rambo, Rocky and Mission Impossible to enhance their state-of-the-art security facilities. I don't wish to doubt their abilities to provide a Tom Cruise type hanging from cables 3 inches of the ground but still...something tells me that when push comes to shove, their underfed, under-armed and underpaid guards will fall, just barely, short.

And while my lifeless - I mean zingless - carcass of a writer's body lies by the wayside, I can just see Mr. Ranjit Singh (COO, Zing) walk past, kick my remains and say - "Payment? Ismey aapka input kya thha? Saara masala tho humne diya...."

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