Someone once said to me - "Nostalgia is so passe, darling!"
Never did I feel this more than this evening when I dug deep into my cupboard and unearthed old photographs from school....
I really thought I'd look at them, sigh and say - "We were so young, our skin was so tight, our eyes so bright...look - doesn't it seem like the whole wide world lies in front of us?..."
Except, I stared back at a bunch of kids, who looked lost and scared and were definitely not all that great looking. As for me: I have never looked or felt more miserable as I did at 15. I hated my body, I had a terrible hairdo and an even worse attitude.

30 is an amazing age for a woman to be in 2009. It pisses me off that we're brainwashed to believe anything else. Everything starts now...

The Men I Once Knew

I once knew a man, who noticed me in a crowd, stole me away from daily drudgery and filled the workday with sweet surprises. On my birthday, he bought me the biggest bouquet of flowers I'd ever seen and made the guys in the restaurant sing 'Happy Birthday' for me. He loved when I grabbed his ass and found the time to tell me I was a 'good person...perhaps one of the best he'd ever met'. But he insisted that we remain a secret...in order to try his luck with other women, as it turned out.

I once knew a man, who made music. He called me his best friend and said I knew enough about him to "write his autobiography". Once, when I told him my close friend was depressed, he called her up (STD) and sang 'Yellow' just to make her smile. But then he locked himself up in his room with a bottle and made me throw away the key.

I once knew a man, who told me he loved me the same evening we met. He spoke of me in metaphors and similes and referred to me as an 'orchid'. One morning I woke up to his sms - 'I'm standing outside your door and I'm here to marry you.'. He wanted me to get an MBA (Masters in Business Admn) and have an OBE (Out of Body Experience). Throughout our cross-country relationship, he kept tabs on what I was doing & who I was meeting. 8 months later I realised I should have been keeping tabs on who he was meeting & doing.

I once knew a man with whom I could conduct conversations in broken French for 15 minutes at a stretch. He introduced me to Joni and Ani. He supplied me with a steady stream of Himachal's finest. He taught me about warm sake and chopsticks. He had the face of a cherub on crack. And the demeanour, I discovered to my horror, of a demon.

Not one of them knew how to hold me.

***********************************************************************************
PS: This post is dedicated to a friend who listened patiently as I gave him a lecture on alanis' music being whine-fests about men.

The First Flush of BS

Am in the process of getting to know new people. That golden period where every word and action emanating from you is peppered with just a tich of bullshit. It's a tightrope walk, deciding which parts of you are worth being put on display, which parts are to be filed away for later and which parts are never to be shown the light of day. (I can't help but wonder how much better off we'd be if only the rest of our lives were lived with similar diligence.)
Of course, I am older now. Which means that I can now make a more informed choice of the kind of bullshit I want to introduce into the mix. The levels of goofiness, political opinions, taste in films & music and of course revealing your battle scars - some glamorous, others not so much.
I realise that with time the number of party tricks I'm willing to perform has reduced. And I had some pretty nifty ones. I had a 'guerrilla warfare' strategy. Be very still, the better the camouflage, better the chances of getting onto the home team. Listen but rarely speak. Nod your head and agree a lot. Be funny but not in a cynical world-weary way. Keep your back straight, your eyes focused and don't look at your watch every five seconds.
Some of these I still subscribe to (esp about the posture and watch thing) - most, I am too tired to indulge in. I can no longer pretend that I like The Doors or that I remotely understood Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels. I can't keep sucking my stomach in, trying to look like that amazing chick two bar stools down, with the pixie haircut & pixie body and I cannot, for the life of me, pretend to be enraptured by someone who's rhapsodizing endlessly about his BMW and LSE education.
Also, now I have stuff to say. And there is definitely stuff I don't want to waste time listening to. Have a theory on how Gujarat 2002 never happened? Air it by all means but don't expect any applause from me. Want to expound on Tendulkar's batting stats when I've just told you I have no interest in sports? Please be prepared for my eyes to glaze over. Think that insulting the waiter is a sign of your machismo? Better make the most of the evening because you'll never see me again.

Of course, I acknowledge that if done in the right spirit and to the right degree, bullshitting can be oh-so-much fun. There's only a limited amount of time each one-on-one interaction gets before we decide if its worth taking forward or not. There's no way we can transmit all of our authentic selves in that period. Unless we get sucked into the 'Juno' soundtrack...

You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend

Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

We both have shiny happy fits of rage
You want more fans, I want more stage
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

You are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

- 'Anyone Else But You' by The Moldy Peaches

Have I Lived Enough?

If there is one question that's plagued me since the age of 15 it is - Have I lived enough?
The definition of 'lived' has changed several times. I've tried to map out its chronology:

1996-2000:
Have I been to enough 'girl-boy' parties?
Have I smoked enough cigarettes?
Have I tried all varieties of Kingfisher beer more than thrice?
Have I studied enough ancient Indian, Greek, Western philosophy?
Have I entered enough inter-college competitions?
Do I have enough people who like me?

2000-2003:
Have I travelled enough across India?
Have I survived enough night edits?
Have I behaved sufficiently badly on said night edits?
Have I made sufficient money?
Have I 'struggled' enough to tell stories of it when I'm 50 and sitting in an air conditioned office ordering my minions about?
Do I have enough long-haired, male friends?

2003-2006:
Have I been daring enough to throw away everything I've worked for because I'm 'not happy'?
Have I done enough narcotics (no harder than E)?
Have I been stoned/ drunk for a sufficient stretch of time without break?
Have I met a sufficient number of 'crazed yet artistically-inclined' people?
Have I lived on my own & been poverty stricken enough?
Have I had enough 'near death' experiences?

2006-2009:
Have I been hugged enough?
Have I been outdoors enough?
Have I been brave enough?
Have I been kissed enough?
Have I been vulnerable enough?
Have I had enough therapy?
Have I made enough phone calls to powerful people?
Have I worked hard enough at improving my writing?
Have I travelled enough across the globe?
Have I heard enough cool music?
Have I fought enough for what I want?

Free Ka Maal.com

There is no dearth of people looking for a free ride...most times at your expense.
I have had very little work in the last few months. Yet I get calls from clients who expect me to do jobs for no money - 'yaar, thodey spelling mistakes hai, theek kar de'. Read 'I've written this hinglish piece of nonsense, please redo the whole document and put it into language that my (paying) customers can understand'
'It's just a small, one-page proposal.' Read 'Actually, in order to write that one page, you need to go through 97 pages of jargon on this pdf sent by the Ministry of So and So'.
'It'll take you not more than two hours to complete'. Read 'That's not counting the boring meetings I want you to accompany me to since I'm too lazy/ busy to read what you've written and need someone to answer the questions the client may ask.'

But the worst freeloaders are the emotional freeloaders. The so-called friends who want to meet up for a 'chat over coffee'. The ones who don't want to make an effort to haul ass and meet halfway, the ones who won't bother beyond the necessary enquiries of "How're you doing?" before launching into detailed descriptions of their deadend jobs and deadbeat boyfriends/ husbands (strange though: men NEVER complain about their girlfriends/ spouses unless something's terribly wrong).
These are the same 'friends' who disappear when you call for a chat, when you're in the mood to meet up and when you need to spill your guts about your deadend job and deadbeat boyfriend/husband. Or god forbid, if you actually need a favour from them.

As someone who's made it a life-long profession to paalo such parasites, I have now decided to go in for a career change...

Oh So THAT'S what the BJP is about...or is it? Isn't it?

I have to admit - the Bharatiya Janta Party has always been a bit of a mystery to me.

It came to the forefront in the 1990's, when I was still a student. I have a very distinct memory of heading out the front door on my way to school, when I saw the front page of the newspaper. It was December 7th and the photograph of the Babri masjid's broken dome had me staring at it for a long, long time. Something was so off. I still carried childhood memories of the 84 riots, which had directly affected us Delhiites and I had this feeling of dread now as I stared at the headlines.
There and then I formed an opinion of the BJP and LK Advani in particular. They were terrifying, demonic and poisonous to India.

Then came 1998 and the BJP led NDA came into power. Even more bewildering. Had the rest of the country not seen the same headlines all those years ago? I was older now...on my way to college and more able to understand Indian politics (or so I thought). I guessed that they'd come into power because the previous government had been so god awful. That did nothing to remove my sense of dread.
As the months and years progressed, I began to see an interesting face of the party. People like Jaswant Singh and even PM Vajpayee seemed to be rational and sensitive thinkers. They didn't want to exterminate all non-Hindus, they didn't bark like rabid canines, they wanted to take buses and trains to Pakistan, they welcomed 'the outsider' when it came to their economic policies - what the heck was going on? Who were these people? Maybe the BJP wasn't all bad...after all, it was the 'secular' Congress that was at the forefront of the Anti-Sikh riots, right?

Then came Gujarat 2002. Not only was the violence shocking, but as the facts began to trickle in, it seemed almost engineered by the state government. Narendra Modi, it appeared fairly clear to me, had a huge role to play in the extent of mayhem and destruction. Why, then, was he still in power? What was up with Vajpayee? Why has Modi, since then, gone on from strength to strength in his party? I had a chance to visit Gujarat in 2007 and the worst riot-hit areas were still chilling to drive through. The burnt buildings, the absolute silence in places where residents had refused to return...it was eerie and deeply upsetting.

In terms of personal impact, I remember the BJP's entire stint in power as being one where communalism coloured every aspect of our daily lives. I remember RSS workers becoming more active in my colony, my Christian neighbour getting threats. I remember school books becoming more 'Hinduised'. I remember being more conscious of the religion of those I interacted with. If someone was Muslim, the awareness was heightened. I remember going for a shoot in Old Delhi's mosque area and my crew feeling afraid - something that had never happened before and has mysteriously not happened since the Congress returned to power.

After the recent unravelling of the BJP and the public brawls and downright childish bickering, it now appears that there have been 2 BJP's all along. A Dr. Jekyll-Mr.Hyde game with Hindutva. It's got me interested enough to read up a bit on the genesis of the party and research its ideology. Turns out it's a combination of something called 'Integral Humanism' and Gandhian Socialism. What?!?! Are you serious? Wasn't it an RSS guy who bumped off Gandhi? What the hell!

When Jaswant Singh speaks of Hindutva, its a beautiful concept that I can actually see myself agreeing with. It is deeply linked with the ideals of Advaita Vedanta, which I fell in love with in college. It exists far beyond the notion of 'religion' and has nothing to do with whether you and I think cows are the highest form of divinity. It does not see Hindu-Muslim-Sikh-Christian-Dalit-Brahmin. It is a philosophy that one lives by. It is literally a song for the spirit to sing every waking moment. And this is what the BJP is supposed to be built on.

I've thought a lot about it and for me it boils down to what I learnt, studying philosophy in college. Vedanta literally means the 'end of the Vedas' and its that part of the teachings that contains its most subtle and sublime philosophies, couched in fairly enigmatic jargon. In Ancient times (and even now, in the Brahmin tradtion) that's where the Guru came in. He was literally the divine translator...the dude who was responsible for making sure duds like you and me didn't misinterpret the teachings. Without said dude, it was all a bunch of symbolism and fancy-schmancy wordplay. Without said dude, duds like us got lazy and turned to the easier bits of the Vedas, the stuff that talked about the cows etc. (ok, I'm over oversimplifying things, but youknowwhatImean). Without said dude, for us, that's what espousing Hindutva became...just that and nothing beyond.

Unfortunately it's the ideas that lie 'beyond' that are the basis for the BJP's espousal of Integral Humanism. Hindutva actually echoes a core value that separates us from Western political philosophies like capitalism and communism (both of which have not really been super-duper hits in ensuring a happy populace) - that society is to built on a more holistic foundation than just material, one where the spiritual aspect is just as integral to social structures as economic-political ideals. It is a uniquely inclusive way of looking at the world and is so far removed from divisive religious fundamentalism that they might as well exist on two separate planets.

Somewhere, straddling these two planets lies the BJP and with every tremor on either surface, it stretches itself more and more and more. Perhaps there will be a breaking point and it'll come undone altogether. But one hopes, really hopes, that the two worlds will come closer and closer and closer until one of them (the angry, boiling, red hot one) is cooled by the other one and India finally gets a political party that can truly consider itself worthy of being in the opposition.

Meri Aarzoo Kameeni

It is past midnight. I have downed a lot of alcohol. There is a lot of sadness that's taken residence inside me.
As I play this song on loop:

Kya kare zindagi isko hum jo mile,
Iski jaan kha gaye, raat din ke gile
Raat din gile…
Meri aarzoo kamini,
Mere khwab bhi kaminey,
Ek dil se dosti thi, yeh huzoor bhi kaminey,
Kya kare zindagi isko hum jo mile,
Iski jaan kha gaye, raat din ke gile…
Kabhi zindagi se maanga, pinjre mein chaand la do,
Kabhi laanten deke, kaha aasmaa pe taango
Jeene ke sab kareene the hamesha se kaminey,
Kaminey kaminey kaminey kaminey,
Meri daastaan kamini, mere raasten kaminey,
Ek dil se dosti thi, yeh huzoor bhi kaminey…
Jiska bhi chehra cheela, andar se aur nikla,
Masoom sa kabootar naacha to more nikla,
Kabhi hum kaminey nikle, kabhi doosre kaminey,
Kaminey kaminey kaminey kaminey,
Meri dosti kamini, mere yaar bhi kaminey,
Ek dil se dosti thi, yeh huzoor bhi kaminey…
- Gulzar & Vishal Bhardwaj